Not Yet Officially Diagnosed

So, the past couple of days I’ve been doing a lot of digging into Autism. Specifically how autism presents in females and after pretty much filling myself up on info, I was sure I have it. So I found some tests on aspietests.org and like… Yea. On the results of the main one (the The Ritvo Autism Asperger Diagnostic Scale), it said if the results were highlighted in yellow to get a professional diagnosis because it’s very likely you have ASD and like… all of my results were yellow and my scores aligned with other ASD scores. Neurotypical results are around 20-80. ASD results are around 140-180 and I got a 181.

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Waiting Sucks. Moving on.

Don’t let the title make you think I’ve given up on the novella. Buuutttt, waiting to hear back from a publisher is making me way more anxious than I expected. The logical part of me says, “Hey, you only sent it in a couple of weeks ago. Chill.” The anxious mess side is checking my email daily as if that will make things move faster.

So, I plan on starting work on the next book. It’s not at all related of Of His Flesh, which was a stand alone story. Will it be dealing with the same sort of themes? Kinda. I love working with characters who have broken psyches.

However, it needs tons of research. As much as I want to just throw myself into writing this thing, I need to learn a lot about… open heart surgery.

I heard once that a writer is a jack of all trades. We write characters with pools of knowledge that are beyond our own and thus, for a little while, need to become as much of an expert as we can on subjects where our own expertise is so limited. All for the readers.

I can’t count the number of times while reading or watching something that some little detail I know quite a lot about is just off. The immersion is ruined. I know that no piece of writing is ever going to be perfect. I’m not going to get every single detail in a story 100% correct.

But I can get as close as possible.

Now We Wait

I did another edit of my novella. I’d been putting it off for ages it seems and simply didn’t want to touch it for fear that it was just too awful and not worth the effort. Got up the energy to give it a once over, spent five hours straight getting everything in order. Worried over if it was good or not again. Then said “fuck it” and sent it to a publisher. If I don’t send it to someone now I never will. I’ll keep editing for the rest of my life and get nowhere.

So, it’s out there, waiting to be looked and at hopefully loved.

Now we wait to hear from the publisher one way or another.

Rejection

At this point, I cannot count the number of rejections I’ve gotten on my short horror stories.

It’s disheartening to say the least, but I think the fact that they haven’t kept me from writing shows how I’ve grown as an author. I used to get really down about it and, really, I still do. But the fact that I’m still working on my book days later, despite the little voice in the back of my head that is telling me to give up, is a good sign.

I’m eleven chapters into my novella and I plan on finishing the final couple of chapters tonight so I can start editing. That voice is still going to be there, but at this point, I’m just going to keep at it. Even if my writing is terrible, even if the book gets finished and no one wants it, at least it’ll be done and I’ll have accomplished this monster task. I’ve never finished a book before, always giving up halfway through.Just getting it done, at this point, will be enough.

Writing is my life and if I want to do it, seriously, as a career, I need to push on, even when others are telling me no.