Waiting Sucks. Moving on.

Don’t let the title make you think I’ve given up on the novella. Buuutttt, waiting to hear back from a publisher is making me way more anxious than I expected. The logical part of me says, “Hey, you only sent it in a couple of weeks ago. Chill.” The anxious mess side is checking my email daily as if that will make things move faster.

So, I plan on starting work on the next book. It’s not at all related of Of His Flesh, which was a stand alone story. Will it be dealing with the same sort of themes? Kinda. I love working with characters who have broken psyches.

However, it needs tons of research. As much as I want to just throw myself into writing this thing, I need to learn a lot about… open heart surgery.

I heard once that a writer is a jack of all trades. We write characters with pools of knowledge that are beyond our own and thus, for a little while, need to become as much of an expert as we can on subjects where our own expertise is so limited. All for the readers.

I can’t count the number of times while reading or watching something that some little detail I know quite a lot about is just off. The immersion is ruined. I know that no piece of writing is ever going to be perfect. I’m not going to get every single detail in a story 100% correct.

But I can get as close as possible.

Now We Wait

I did another edit of my novella. I’d been putting it off for ages it seems and simply didn’t want to touch it for fear that it was just too awful and not worth the effort. Got up the energy to give it a once over, spent five hours straight getting everything in order. Worried over if it was good or not again. Then said “fuck it” and sent it to a publisher. If I don’t send it to someone now I never will. I’ll keep editing for the rest of my life and get nowhere.

So, it’s out there, waiting to be looked and at hopefully loved.

Now we wait to hear from the publisher one way or another.

Rejection

At this point, I cannot count the number of rejections I’ve gotten on my short horror stories.

It’s disheartening to say the least, but I think the fact that they haven’t kept me from writing shows how I’ve grown as an author. I used to get really down about it and, really, I still do. But the fact that I’m still working on my book days later, despite the little voice in the back of my head that is telling me to give up, is a good sign.

I’m eleven chapters into my novella and I plan on finishing the final couple of chapters tonight so I can start editing. That voice is still going to be there, but at this point, I’m just going to keep at it. Even if my writing is terrible, even if the book gets finished and no one wants it, at least it’ll be done and I’ll have accomplished this monster task. I’ve never finished a book before, always giving up halfway through.Just getting it done, at this point, will be enough.

Writing is my life and if I want to do it, seriously, as a career, I need to push on, even when others are telling me no.

Prologue

pexels-photo-673862[Photo by it’s me neosiam from Pexels ]

 

Music drifted through the peaceful halls of the house, winding its way through the open basement door and down the stairs. It wrapped around the two of us and I couldn’t help humming along.

This magic moment, so different and so new…

Was like any other until I kissed you…

It was magic how the scalpel in my hand, caressed by my fingertips, pressed into him, sharp enough to part the flesh like cutting butter. Crimson weeping wounds kissed his skin and making him shake. For joy, I told myself. He was just as happy as I was that this was happening. My love, my dear. Staying with me in the most permanent of ways.

And then it happened, it took me by surprise…

The Drifters crooned, making my heart melt. You took me by surprise. Each new incarnation of you that I took captive. Each new man that wears your face, that smiles your smile, that laughs your laugh.

I knew that you felt it too, by the look in your eyes…

He was weeping. I almost was too. Each time felt like the first. Each time new, yet the same. Each time pure. Each kill a retelling of the same old story, the same tragedy that I live. The tragedy that is me without you.

Sweeter than wine

Softer than the summer night

Everything I want, I have…

I have you, even if you aren’t here. You on this table, letting me carve you up. He has a different name, but he tastes like you when we’ve kissed. He makes the same soft sounds low in his throat. Sort of like the keening sounds he’s making now, though not nearly as high-pitched.

Already I’m thinking of how I’ll prepare him, after I’ve cut him into fillets.

Whenever I hold you tight…

    How many times had I held him tight, pretending he was you? And then he was going to leave, just as you did, just like all of the others. I couldn’t let him. Of course I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to be left behind, some forgotten memory.

Blood gushed up around my fingers, warm wet coating the tips and making me hum.

This magic moment while your lips are close to mine…

I couldn’t help having a tiny taste. I didn’t want to spoil my appetite, but a little self-indulgence wouldn’t hurt. I flicked my tongue over the mess he’d made, a burst of copper hitting my taste buds and the metallic scent that hung heavy in the air filling my nostrils.

Will last forever, forever till the end of time…

I’ll keep you like this.

Break

So, NaNoWriMo got me down for a while because though I wrote for the first day, life got in the way and kept me from writing much. Which caused what I call a ‘failure spiral’. I don’t complete the goals I set for myself, feel like a failure and then sink into a crappy depression. So I’ve been avoiding working on anything as a sort of self-flagellation.

But! I’m back to work on my Novella and I am very excited about it!

The main character and I have worked out exactly how this is going to be formatted. It’s a bit disheartening to struggle through half of it only to have my MC hate everything I’m writing and resisting the whole way. I’ve scrapped what I wrote before and we’re starting again. He’s being much more cooperative, which is great, and I’m much more excited to write now.

I’ll probably post little snippets here of things that I like most, so keep an eye out for them~